Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
