Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
He uses pillows to masturbate.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..