i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
