I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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