I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Randomize
