the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
