glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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