I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
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Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
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Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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