Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize