Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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