I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
