Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
