My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
