I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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