he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.