The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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