btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
