apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
