my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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