i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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