I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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