Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You're like the curious george of whores
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
