I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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