Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
