i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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