He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
