Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
