you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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