just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
