If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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