Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
please come you make the beer taste better
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We crashed a rave, threw glitter all over Gay Dan and the bartender, broke a chandelier and called ourselves the Kings of Neon.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
