I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
