I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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