Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
