i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
