he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Randomize
