There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
i guess. but if i can salvage this and still somehow see you naked i feel like that's a win
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True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
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I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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