i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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