somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
