The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
