Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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