I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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