in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just high enough for therapy.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
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What's life without a pregnancy scare?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip πππ
Your skills amaze me
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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