Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
