Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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