dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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