currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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