You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Randomize
