can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
