the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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