I am midnight drunk by noon
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Randomize
