My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
