Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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